How to Have Harmonious Relationships
I’ve been listening again to another of Ajahn Sucitto’s profound-and-useful talks, this one given near the end of the November retreat, in which he describes how to bring what we’ve learned during retreat practice directly into our lives outside of retreat — especially in how we engage in relationships both at home and at work.
He says: One of the first principles is that instead of “I want it this way,” or “I want it that way,” or “It shouldn’t be like this..” — just unhook, step back, and ask “How is this?”
Look for what activations are occurring. Do I feel fed up, dismissed, irritated, happy, worried, concerned….? Hmmmm…. Then ask: How do I find harmony with that? Where does harmony occur with that?
Widen the field. Feel it in the body. Hmmm….”It’s like this now. Feels like this now.”
This is not stepping out of the field. It’s staying within it, but just disengaging one’s wishes and preferences. “It’s like this now. I’d like it to be like that, but it’s like this.” Hmmm. “How is that?” Can one sustain that, and see what that brings up. What shifts that allows. When we come to that place of disengage — not dissociate — but just lift, then, can we ask: “What’s helpful here? What’s helpful here that allows harmony?”
Maybe taking one’s time. Maybe being more patient. Maybe just — a little more generosity of heart. Maybe just a little more groundedness in the body. Maybe just a little more openness, of acceptance of differences.
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This is just the beginning. He also talks about having very clear boundaries, not taking on other people’s issues, etc. I’ve listened to this talk over and over. And it’s been helpful to me — over and over. He talks about “fields” and “potencies” and “differentiation,” but that’s just language. This is not a theoretical talk. It is very, VERY practical.